Reaching out to my fellow girls

So many of you will have stumbled across this blog wondering what the hell this would be about.. As you may have or may not have guessed, it is about the life of a typical Asian/Indian girl. In particular this girl is or was me.

How many boyfriends have you had? How many sexual experiences have you been through? How much of that do you have to hide?” The answer is my whole life is a lie. I base those answers around whom I’m with and how I think they will judge me. It could be any number from 3 to 10. It could even be more.. Some experiences led to heart break and others just made me feel things I thought I could never experience.

I thought I’d write out each experience in my life hoping to relate these to other girls. Other girls who feel or have felt vulnerable in their life. Other girls think that lying to themselves solves everything.

The truth is, that it does. Lying solves everything for five minutes, five hours or five days. However avoiding your past is something many of us struggle to do. It all comes crashing down mentally and we have to be the only ones to pick ourselves up!

I am now working and have an amazing person by my side who did ask me how many people I had sex with. Naturally, there are more than 5 and those thoughts crept into my already prepared mind. I answered “There was only 1 guy before you“, with the most weirdest but convincing face I could pull.

So is that even right? I do wonder all the time if I’ve just become a compulsive liar. I can lie through my teeth again and again and believe those lies. But no, again it all comes flooding back into my mind and I’m left going back to square one.

Let me start off, or even end this first entry by telling you a bit about myself. My name is Maya (that again could be a lie). I have a younger brother and work in the scientific field. My dad is an overbearing arse at times who tries to control everything he can. My mum is well the sweetest yet most annoying best friend I could ever have. I still don’t think I could reveal my story to her. Too much she wouldn’t want to know!

So let me tell you my story of covered lies and see if it relates to you….




First vulnerable experience..

I was thirteen when I supposedly had fallen for this boy who lived two hours away. He was five years older, not very intelligent. But to me that didn’t matter. He was sweet and listened to my every word. He sent me gifts and loved the way I was.

We flirted using MSN and texts. I’d waste all my pocket money topping up. My parents would smash my phone or ban me from using it after late night conversations I had exchanged with him. I now understand their reasons why.

After a year of dating and exchanging messages, he asked me to send him pictures. I would cringe at the thought of taking pictures of myself in just my bra and underwear. However, it made him happy. I sent those pictures knowing he was sexually aroused and thinking of me. Never in my thoughts did it occur that he was a lot older. I just thought of him as mature. I was naively in love.

We exchanged a lot of sexual messages and phone calls. I’d finger myself and he’d get off at my sounds over the phone. We would imagine scenarios of meeting and even having sex for the very first time.

We got closer and closer as each day went on. I’d speak to his family and his friends. Things were great!

The day came where I finally met him in person. I was still fourteen and he had come down to London with his family. They all met me without a question in the world. “Was I too young?” Again a promising sign right?!

Away from his family he had touched me all over in person and kissed me behind a building. He licked the ends of my breasts and stuck his hands down my leggins. He promised me I was his. His kisses made me wild inside and we both wanted more.

I’m glad we did not get to that stage. He went back home and days had passed. I was still naively in love with this guy who was now claiming I was his to marry…

The day came where he stupidly gave me the password to his email account. Floods of emails from porn sites and weird subscriptions. But wait… There were emails from girls. Girls younger than me sending him fully naked photos whilst he would send them disgusting pictures of his small cock. I would read each message: “I love you” “I want to fuck you again and again..” “Send me a video of yourself laying down with your fingers inside that p****”.

That sickening feeling is one I’d never forget. My stomach felt like it had erupted. My heart was pacing. My jaw was clenched. Tears came flooding to my eyes. It still never hit me that he was older..

I was heartbroken for days. All he could do was apologise to me for cheating. It was not the cheating that had got to me though. It was the realisation that all these girls were twelve and thirteen. One of them had even met him and fucked him in the back of his car.  How could I not feel sick? How could I not have realised he was a sick child molester. He had touched me too! I let it happen, again without a thought in the world.

I blamed myself for days. I’ve been way too embarrassed about how naïve I was to even mention this story. I mean he carried on with his life and got married. But I had again got into his email and saved the picture of his cock. I sent it around to everyone! His friends, family and work colleagues.

I wish I could’ve turned him in to the police. But the shame that this story would’ve brought to me is unreal. I still have no guts to mention this. To mention how he was a psychotic pervert. How he was a predator to vulnerable girls on social media and there are many out there.

If I could do anything, I would ask all girls to think twice. Seeing someone older does not guarantee how things will plan out. For me this was just the beginning of my journey, and it had taught me a lot…